I remember the day I walked into church, so depressed, lost, broken, and unsure of what was ahead of my life. I just had a miscarriage a couple months before. I really wanted children, but then at the same time, I was somewhat “relieved” that I wasn’t able to bring that precious life into the mess of a young marriage I was in. You see, I was only 20 years old. I made the decision to marry at 19, to a man I knew in High School and thought I could trust in adulthood. Adulthood, marriage, responsibilities, it was all taking a toll on us. We seperated right after the loss of our baby, and I think we were both sad, but at the same time relieved.
I remember that Sunday, dragging my feet because I had no energy. I wanted to sleep in until the aching and heavy hurt in my chest disappeared. But I couldn’t, something stronger urged me to get up and go to church. I got up, brushed my teeth, kept on the same sweats and sweater I wore to sleep, brushed my hair, grabbed my little blanket, and got in the car. My parents of course looked at me like I was crazy but they knew I was having a hard time and they were just glad I was actually going. So they just left me alone and drove. I remember getting there and most of our church family was there already. All facing forward ready to start off their Sunday with praise and worship. Probably as ready as I was to unload whatever burdens they came in with. Each one of us came in expecting some kind of healing, message and understanding of “WHY” we were in the situations we were in. Somewhat looking for answers from God in regards to where we went wrong? What do I do now?
I walked into the church, air kissed some family members on the cheeks as to greet them. Then I was looking for a spot I could hide, all the way in the back. There it was, a chair, near the door, all the way against the wall in the very last row on the left side. I was so ashamed seeing how everyone came in their Sunday’s best and I came in my sleeping clothes. So I picked up my blanket, wrapped myself in it to cover my sweats and sweater and made my way to that chair. I sat down for a while until the music began. I honestly didnt want to stand up, but I did. The music started and I remember one of the song’s words piercing through my heart as if it were words my heart were searching for to cry out but wouldnt surface until that song played. My husband at that time betrayed my trust and left me when I needed him most. All I wanted was GOD! To intercede, to heal, to love me, to comfort me, to understand me and to help me understand why he would allow all these things to happen?! The words kept piercing and then I finally BROKE and tears started pouring out uncontrollably. The words, “You’re all I want, You’re all I’ve ever needed, You’re all I want, Help me know you are near”. Those words. They were simple yet expressing every hurt in me, exposing every painful memory in my mind. They just kept repeating and repeating. I couldnt control my tears anymore or my heart. I felt like this song was my personal song to God for healing. As I cried, I felt as if as the tears poured out, so did the hurt and disppointment. As if something was pulling it out as I cried & reassuring me that I wasnt alone. It made me cry and weep out loud even more. I mean, I cried like someone died, because someone did. Noone around me really knew what hurt I came in with, but when I opened my eyes, I could see their faces of sympathy and worry as they smiled to reassure that I wasnt alone in whatever I was going through. The rest of our praise and worship went on like that as we changed to different songs, each one pierced through the thick wall of hurt I came in with and broke it down so that Gods word (the sermon or what the pastor preached) could be planted there instead. The ending of service, I felt lighter, less hurt, less burdened and angry. I just felt, LIGHT! When I walked out, I remember a woman that I adored and that always encouraged me, she stopped me for a couple minutes. She didnt know how I was feeling or everything I was going thru or the fact that my one question to God was, will I ever be a mother again? I was told it would be hard for me to conceive because I had TWO miscarriages with my husband, but one from a year or so before the other. She didnt know what the doctors told me. She didnt know I felt hopeless, that I was sad that theres a possibility that I wont be able to have anymore kids. That I was sad because my marriage was failing no matter how hard I fought for it and no matter how hard I prayed. I felt alone! I felt abandoned. I felt like I would never have the FAMILY my heart longed for. A husband that would love and cherish me and a child of my own to love on and vice versa. My heart was more broken than its ever been and NOONE knew! Aside from my parents and siblings watching me struggle with the loss of both my baby and my husband that moved out because we both couldnt handle the arguing every night blaming each other. I wanted answers from God! I was so faithful in my walk. I read, I prayed, I fasted, I submitted, I changed and gave up things that I knew I needed to give up in my life just so I could get an understanding or answers of WHY and WHAT NEXT?!
“Baby?” she said in her gentle but almost southern accent. “God wanted me to tell you something!”. I stopped and was curious to what message she had for me. She started, “God loves you so much! and he sees your heart and your hurt. He wanted me to tell you that your husband will be Samoan! He will be God fearing, a family man, handsome, humble and you will both have children! More than one. They will be beautiful!”. Right when she said that, I doubted it. You see, my husband at that time was black (Bahamian-African American). He was anything but “God Fearing”, he didnt even like to go to church with me. He only had a dad, one sister and a mom and they werent really as family oriented as our family, they hardly even talked or spent time with each other. On top of that, I was told it would nearly be impossible to even conceive again with my uterus being so weak. I wont even be able to carry a child! Doubfully, I replied, “No, I think that message is for someone else, I dont like Samoan guys, and my husband is black!”. She said, “Im sorry baby, but thats just what God wanted me to tell you! He ‘IS’ Samoan and handsome and he will LOVE you the way you need to be loved!” I stood there for about 5-10 minutes trying to convince her that she was wrong and I doubted her words. This was in year 2008 going on 2009. After that day, my husband and I were able to try again but I got to a point where I realized, we were bringing out the worst in each other and not the best. So I moved out and started my own life. I found that I was happier without him. I was happier alone for a while so I could discover ME, instead of trying to be the person he wanted me to be for him. I felt more free, more content and more at peace.
It is now year 2016. I am happily married to a SAMOAN man who is God fearing, a gifted drummer, an awesome father, and is family oriented! We are expecting our third child (our first daughter) in 2017. I was driving home a few days ago and was praying over my daughter. I found myself crying on the freeway while praying. I thought back to that very day when I went to church in sweats, a sweater and blanket looking for answers. The words that a woman said was God’s words, and how I not only doubted them but fought them. I see my life now? It’s everything God said it would be. I mean, it was NOT perfect getting to where we are now, but everything that happened helped nudge us to where we needed to be. HERE! In this time, this moment and this life. Were happy! Because of everything thats happened along the way, its caused my husband to LOVE me even more than he has ever loved me or anyone else. I always questioned God about why things happened the way they did and why put me through so much pain and hurt. But he reminded me, everything he allows, is for my best. Its to strengthen me or to help me, never to intensionally hurt me. But because he knew I was a strong person and he knew how I was going to react and maintain, he trusted me with those lessons.
Romans 8:28 in the bible says
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Thats why I cried! Because with everything that I have been through. Its helped shaped my life, my family and my faith. My children, my home, our cars, our jobs, our marriage, our church family, our spiritual walk, everything! I just realized how blessed and how even when I didnt know God had a plan for me, he still stuck with me. He still persued me and still loved me. Even when I thought he didnt care and was punishing me for not being good enough for him. He never gave up on me, and everything he asked me to do till this day has always been decisions I doubted but I did it anyways. And everytime I asked, WHY? He always showed me through my life what the answer was. These words, only show a glimpse into ONE thing he has done for me, out of so much more. Be blessed!